okay, so i'm sentimental. and i've recently decided that that's not necessarily a bad thing. i opened the blinds to look out of my window a few minutes ago and realized just how beautiul of a day it is outside. it made me realize that if today was march 20 of 2007, i would call you up and ask you if you wanted to go to the lake or the playground and spend time with me because you were the only person that i'd want to share such a beautiful day with. the sky was grey yesterday. as i drove to work, i thought about how you would've probably already texted me by now if it was march 19 of 2007. you would've told me how you knew that i love grey skies and how you thought it was beautiful, just like how you thought of me. and i would've genuinely smiled. something that i'm not sure if i've done in 2008 yet. i gave you a birthday card. i told you to grow. but you're growing too fast and too free. maybe i was holding you back. maybe i didn't encourage you enough. maybe i cared about myself too much. maybe i didn't appreciate you or your interests enough. maybe i didn't appreciate eating snickers ice cream bars with you. or maybe i did. i was just too afraid to show it. and so i've realized what my problem is. fear. i'm scared. i'm a weak child in a growing body. i'm afraid of love so when i realize that i have love, i push it away and run to someone else...someone who i'm positive doesn't love me just because i'm afraid of being genuinely happy. when did i get so messed up? maybe none of this makes any sense. i just wanted you to know that i loved you. maybe i still do. because you're the only person who can make me cry. and who i'm okay with crying in front of. i hope you read this and realize that i'm talking to you. but it's too late, isn't it? goodbye. "part of me has died/ and won't return/ and part of me wants to hide/ the part that's burned/ once/ once/ i knew how to talk to you/ once/ once/ but not anymore/ part of me has vied/ to watch it burn/ and the heart of me has died/ but look what it's become/ once/ once/ i knew how to look for you/ once/ once/ but that was before/ once/ once/ i would have laid down to die for you..." - glen hansard and marketa isglova, "once" | 
